Dug my relationship and myself into a hole

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Dug my relationship and myself into a hole

Unread postby Shinigami-sama » 28th May, 2018, 8:41 pm

I really dont know where to start. I honestly dont know what to say either. I have been in a relationship ( My First relationship actually ) for almost three years and I am so anxious about where its going and how i have ruined it.

I am 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 31 years old. I met him a couple of months after turning 18 in a dating site. Pretty pathetic I know. I liked his pictures and his profile since he seemed easy going and very friendly. We talked for a couple of days then exchanged phone numbers. After a couple of months we decided to meet up/me sleeping over. He came to pick me up and thats where i saw that his pictures were not very updated. He did not look drastically different but he was slightly different. I didnt mind so I went and we had a lot of fun and had wonderful sex. He took my virginity, and we have been together since.

The issue is that I feel like I ruined my relationship before it even started. Before I met him I actually used to frequent a gloryhole near by. I know it sounds gross but now that i look back at it i feel like I did that because of how ashamed of myself I was/currently am. I am ashamed of who I am, what I am, sometimes my family, where i live, what i have, what i lack, how i look like, how i act, I just have a really low self esteem even though I dont appear to. I feel like I did that because I was able to relief my sexual frustration and still be hidden so as to not feel shame. I only did oral stuff never anal. I felt like i was still a virgin since he was the first ot fuck me and he let me fuck him and It was my first time doing so. I also had done stuff with my neighbor who is openly gay. He does not know that I have done any of those things and i fear that he will break up with me out of disgust when he finds out.

Another issue that lead to a separate issue is that I do not really find him attractive in a sexual way. I think he is handsome, I love his personality, i love spending time with him, cuddling with him, talking to him, i love it all. In bed however I have a lot of trouble. I think i have only enjoyed sex three times in these almost three years. He knows this and i know it must affect his self esteem so I always just put on a smile and assure him that I am enjoying myself.

I feel like this lead to me cheating on him during my first year. I cheated on him several times with people that I do not even know their name from gridnr. I did not do it all in one go it spread out through out the first year and a half. It tried to break up with him three times after that out of gilt and because i knew he deserves better. I always tried to do it through text because i suffer from slight anxiety so I cannot argue or talk on the phone. Every time i tried i would tell him not to call me and just talk through text which is completely unreasonable i know but every time he ignored it and would call me and i would give in and stay with him with all this guilt piling up. I eventually told him that i cheated on him. He was really angry and disappointed I told him through text and he of course called me. I expected him to yell which he did and then to break up with me but he didnt. He said he stayed because he trully does love me. It kills me to know this because I was not able to tell him the entire truth. When he called me I choked up an I just couldnt tell him everything about the cheating and about my past.

I suffer from extremely bad memory. I cannot recall how many times i cheated on him because of how long ago, the fact that i did not know these men, and the ammount of time that past in between each instance. I told him i told him i cheated five times, but those are the only times i remember. I am sure it was less than twenty but i am not sure if it was more or less than 10. I am sure that I only did anal with three people, me topping two and one topping me.

He has low self esteem and i always worry about hurting him. He thinks hes too old so I assure him hes not, he thinks hes too fat, i tell him otherwise, he thinks hes ugly, i disagree.

It has finally gotten better after a while of me telling him i cheated but i still feel so much guilt and anxiety because i could not tell him the entire truth and because he doesnt know about my past before him. I want to tell him because i love him and i do not want to waste his time with someone as terrible as me, but i dont want to hurt him.

What can I do ?? How can i tell him ???
Shinigami-sama
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Re: Dug my relationship and myself into a hole

Unread postby Damiedough » 7th June, 2018, 4:54 pm

Okay, I’m going to be firmly blunt;

1. For the sake of both of you, end it. This is incredibly unhealthy for both of you, it’s like your trapped in a routine, talk to someone to gain confidence, whatever it takes. I have been in this position except I did not cheat, but I do understand what it’s like to be afraid but you must understand, you both deserve to be happy, if you truly care about one another you’ll do what’s good for both of you and SEPERATE.

2. No matter how you put it, it’s going to hurt, there is nothing easy or no way to sugar coat how you’ve cheated. You simply say how you feel, it’s going to hurt but those feelings do not last long, he is old enough to know better.

3. Please make sure you are being safe and frequently tested, the last thing you need on your conscious is to catch something, your past is your own, however this is seriously not good for both of you, ask your family or friends for additional support to end things if you must, or seek professional help, do what you have to do to better your mindset! You are the most important person in your life!

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I can definitely relate to not having feelings for your partner. I was in that position with my ex for 4 years. Once you are out of it and you start working on yourself you will feel a lot better. It just takes time and honesty!

I wish you all the best on your journey!

Ps. I hope my message didn’t come across as harsh!
"Be happy with being you. Love your flaws. Own your quirks. And know that you are just as perfect as anyone else, exactly as you are."
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Re: Dug my relationship and myself into a hole

Unread postby devedani » 7th June, 2018, 6:27 pm

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope you get out of this fine. We're all here to help. PM us or me if you need to talk. We're here for you.
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