should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Discuss sexuality, whether your own or someone else's.

should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Unread postby robinren » 4th July, 2018, 6:50 am

here's the situation:

i'm nonbinary and questioning my sexuality (but i know i'm not straight, that's for sure). i'm in high school rn in australia. maybe half of the people around me (friends of friends or people i share classes with) have not the greatest attitude towards this stuff. when my brother came out as trans, quite a few people were really accepting! but a lot of people were just terrible, calling him tranny and faggot and a few people said that they would rape him if he ever walked into the boy's bathroom (i've never interacted with those particular people, but i imagine it would be scary. he was alright though, he always takes even this stuff in stride and he never intended to go into the boy's bathroom anyway - you can smell it from the other side of the school). even people i have lunch in the same group with have made fun of him for his gender and sexuality behind his back, and when i stood up for him they looked at me like i was him.

sometimes it hurts to be called by the gender people know me as, and sometimes i'd just like to be called by something that's not my dead name. probably over half of the people i actually have classes with are pretty accepting of this kind of thing, so if i came out to them then it would be absolutely fine, but this is a school where this stuff spreads fast. if i tell one person, everyone will know within a day. everyone i've came out to so far i've asked to not call me by they/them whenever anyone else is around. i'm terrified of people casting me out and making life miserable but i just want people to know who i am.

which brings me to the point - i don't really know what to do. does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it?

(edit: it's worth noting that nothing physical has happened to my brother, and he's been out for a while. he's able to sort out other things with the principal and counsellor, who are really sympathetic about it)
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Re: should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Unread postby Lochlan » 4th July, 2018, 7:24 am

It sounds like you're in a good situation to be open about this kind of stuff if you want to be. You'll have the support of your brother, your friends, and by the sounds of it, the staff at the school. I'd seriously consider it if it's affecting you badly to live the way you are now. I'd come out slowly though, to gauge reactions and such. Tell your brother first if you haven't already, and then move onto the friends you haven't told. As you say, it will almost certainly get around, but that's probably better for you, less explaining if people already know 😅.

Good luck with it, it's not a situation I've ever had to deal with so of course, be sensible and smart, don't put yourself in danger etc. Use your own discretion more than anything when it comes to telling people. Hope it goes well!
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Re: should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Unread postby CRUSTY SEA MILF » 4th July, 2018, 2:40 pm

Well I kinda skimmed bc im super tired but maybe it would help if you asked people to call you by your new name? Idk if you do this already but it would be useful and maybe ease a bit of stress
Otherwise I think that you should try to just blow off if people call you by your dead name, it;s going to happen inadvertantly with those who may have known you vaguely for a long time and will improve over time, im sure
For example, there was a mtf student in one of my classes I never really talked to but just kinda knew who they were and I would refer to "her" as he all the time bc they looked and sounded like a guy but I wasn't doing it intentionally. Imo I think the whole identity change is still a new thing to a lot of ppl and I doubt that they are trying to annoy/hurt you by calling you whatever your birth name was. It might help reduce future stress if you keep in mind it's an accident :)
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Re: should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Unread postby Adyuto » 4th July, 2018, 6:52 pm

Hey Robin,

I agree with Bren that the best course of action would probably be asked to be called your non-binary name. I think this would be a good way to observe people's reaction, as recommended by Lochlan. The advantage of this is that you don't really have to face the full ramifications of coming out completely non-binary, yet you don't have to suffer the pain that's associated with being called your non-binary name. If it's revealed that others would ridicule you over asking to be called by your non-binary name, then you have evidence to base your decision off on whether you should fully come out. If not, you can either fully come out or do so gradually, depending on which pace is more comfortable for you.

On another note, it seems that your school, on the whole, is accepting of this kind of thing, barring the juvenile behavior of a few schoolmates. Not trying to overstep my bounds or diminute your concerns, but, why care what these minority of people have to say about the way you live your life. You mentioned that you have an administration and staff ready to support in both turbulent and calm times. So, if you're not in any realistic danger of physical or social harassment, why worry about whether the truth comes out when you tell a select group of friends?
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Re: should i come out? (cw: slurs, r*pe mention)

Unread postby robinren » 5th July, 2018, 2:26 am

thank you guys for all your advice!
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