What do I do?

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What do I do?

Unread postby RHD99 » 17th October, 2017, 3:03 pm

Hello,

I just joined this forum because I wanted someone to talk to about this since I don't really know much yet and I'm a bit nervous to talk about it with anyone that I know. I'm currently 17 and in my junior year of high school and just recently I had an encounter that's really made me question who I am.

A few weeks ago I went into a different class (of freshman) before lunch to work on a project. At the end of the period I left early and this guy that was in the class was standing in the hallway (I think he went to the bathroom and just was waiting in the hall before the bell rang). Anyways, as I was leaving the room he kinda looked at me and then started to walk next to me and asked "so are you a sophomore" and I was just like "no, I'm a junior, I wasn't in that class I was just working on a project" and at first I was like who is this person talking talking to me, but once I saw him I felt really heavy-hearted for a second and I couldn't really explain the feeling. So I continued walking figuring that was the end of the conversation, but then he asked "do you know what time the bell rings for lunch?" and I simply responded "yeah I'm pretty sure it's at 29" which then he just kinda said "alright thanks" and walked away.

After that I was really interested in who he was and why he decided to talk to me. I felt this feeling when I saw him and it made me want to know more. At first I was thinking he was a sophomore and that's why he asked me in the first place but I went into that class another day and I saw him in there. I kept trying to think of reasons as to why he would talk to me, it just seems like he wanted to get to know me but then again maybe he was just trying to make conversation? I've been overthinking it a lot and now I'm starting to question why I even care in the first place. I mean, why should I care? I don't know anything about him or even his name. This leads me to my next part.

I never really thought much about my sexuality and who I am up until this point. But now that I think about it I'm starting to think that I might be gay. Since I've had this obsession with this one guy I feel attracted to him, but I don't really think I want to be gay. Now that I've been thinking about it more I'm starting to realize why I might be. I don't really find girls attractive and other than 1 instance, I've never had a crush on a girl. However I've always had friends that were girls since as young as I can remember. All through elementary school, most of my friends were girls and while I know this probably doesn't mean much, I think it does. At this point I started to realize the way I look at some guys and how I feel more interested in looking at them than girls. It's really confusing to me and I don't think I want to be gay but I just don't understand whats going on.

Anyways, after thinking about this stuff a lot I'm starting to notice more and more guys that I find attractive but I don't know if I actually find them attractive or if I just think they have a nice appearance. Now I feel like a creep because I've been trying to get out of my 4th period early just so that I can see that one guy, but I'm way too afraid to talk with him or even ask him anything. I keep telling myself to forget about it and just move on but I can't stop thinking about him. I have really bad anxiety and at this point I haven't shared any of this stuff with anyone yet so I felt that this would be the best place to start. If anyone has any ideas on what a good approach might be to move forward I would really appreciate it.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this horribly long message!
-Ryan
Last edited by RHD99 on 9th December, 2017, 5:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: I need some help

Unread postby boiii » 17th October, 2017, 3:38 pm

hello Ryan

it's good that you came here for advice :) we're happy to help.

That I might have been gay had never occurred to me until I was 15. I also got slightly obsessed with a popular, attractive guy. I recognized some things you said too.
When I noticed how that I had weird thoughts about that guy I watched all kinds of porn to determine what I was. GTF does not support minors watching adult content at all :lol:

Now your guy might just be a nice, social, spontaneous person. He just started a conversation. There are some people like that I know and are often liked by a lot of people. He'd probably be a good friend, so even if you're gay or bi or not at all it wouldn't hurt to watch some youtube video's (like ones from the channel Charisma on Command). It's a cool channel and would help with your anxiety.

hope some of these thing helped a bit :)
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Re: I need some help

Unread postby RHD99 » 17th October, 2017, 7:05 pm

Thanks for getting back to me,

I appreciate the kind words :) hopefully I'll find my way soon, I just feel confused and lost right now. I'll have to check out some of the channels you recommended. If you have any thoughts on the best step to take from my position right now I would love to hear what you and others have in mind!
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Re: I need some help

Unread postby Cruel& » 21st October, 2017, 4:02 am

I'm unsure if I could be of any help here, but I do have an idea. You know, sometimes I feel like all my decisions/goals need to be planned & set. But then I realize, there's absolutely no rush at all.

In other words, you have all the time in the world to figure out who you are, & who you like.
Even if this boy you're talking about is never seen by you again, you will always have many opportunities to find other guys.
Everything you like will always be there for you.
"Not my prowess he said
I couldn't be caught dead with what I feel
But I don't know what I feel"
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Re: I need some help

Unread postby RHD99 » 22nd October, 2017, 11:25 pm

I feel the same way about goals, I always want to map things out, do it, then cross it off the list and move on. And while I realize I have so much time to figure it out, its just hard to live day by day not knowing what could happen. I don't even know if I am who I think I am which is a bit scary to think about. Maybe its just a phase, but maybe its not? Regardless I appreciate your input, I'll try to think more about the large amount time I have to figure this stuff out. Too bad there isn't a clear answer to everything.
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Re: Am I gay?

Unread postby RHD99 » 4th December, 2017, 9:44 pm

Hey everyone,

I know I haven't been too active on the forums lately, a lot has been going on. However, I felt that it would be a good idea to give an update on the situation.

After extensive research, coming out videos, and talking to some other gay guys I'm pretty sure I am, although I don't think I'm ready to accept it yet. I haven't told my parents or any close friends yet but I'm preparing and thinking about what I would say and how I would say it. I really don't want anyone to act differently around me if I do come out which is another reason why I'm still a little unsure about it. Overall it's been nice to let out my feelings to some people and get personal feedback/thoughts on next steps. I've also gained some more confidence and tried to face my anxiety.

Now about this one guy... I tried a lot of ways to figure out who he is without asking directly because although I'm still working on my confidence. I just couldn't get myself to speak to him in person (not yet at least). I know that the only way I'll ever be able to get to know him is by speaking in person, but for me and my level of anxiety I think it would be best for us to get acquainted online first. Of course the most difficult part of this is figuring out who he is.

Since the last post I made, I've been passing by him every day and catch glances but not much else. I really wanted him to make the next move, even though he made the first one and really I should be the one to say something next. I would try to make my presence known and went through some extra unnecessary efforts. Conveniently, my locker is right next to his 4th period class, so on some days I've tried to stick around a little longer and while I thought I was getting somewhere, I ended up just feeling stupid for what I was doing and how it wasn't really getting anywhere at all.

About 3 weeks ago I was walking to lunch and he was walking ahead of me. Someone that he knew ran up behind and was like "Hey Nate wait up!" At first I was thinking it was someone else but once I realized it was him I then went on to spending hours looking up his first name and trying to seek results which obviously didn't get me anywhere. I was starting to think that maybe it wasn't his name? But either way I wasn't sure and I just kinda gave up on that

Soon after that, I was working on a project with someone in another class and she happened to bring up that she is the TA (Teacher's Assistant) for his 4th period class! I didn't want to tell her much but I knew that there was a possibility I could get his name from her. After a few texts back and forth she wasn't able to get anything, however during the time that we were texting it was quite awkward and I was just so anxious to figure out his name!

I figured that the only way I was going to get his name (without any direct conversation) is through friends of friends. Of course once again I know that speaking directly is the BEST WAY but I just can't do that yet, so instead I took to profile stalking on Instagram! I ended up adding a whole lot of people that I didn't know very well and through them I added their followers, and followers of followers. I felt a little bit stalker-ish through all of this but overall it worked out. Even though I wasn't sure about hearing his name before, it turns out that it was, and I was able to find his profile! Hooray!

At this point I started to think about what to do from here. I didn't want to go out and start messaging him without having some sort of an idea of how I was to do this. My first step that I knew I needed to do was modify my Instagram account to make it easier for him to recognize me, as of right now I don't have any photos of me on my profile and I knew that since he doesn't know my name I need to get a good photo to post. Next I plan on messaging him by saying something along the lines of "Hey, have we talked before? I saw you in my recommended and could've sworn that we've met before." Hopefully from that point on he's understanding and remembers who I am! Now I don't know for sure what he could say but if it does work out then maybe after getting to know each other in chat eventually we could meet in person and I think it would be easier for me if we're already acquainted.

After that I have no idea what could happen, but regardless he seems like someone really nice and I would still love to get to know him! I don't know how many people are interested in reading this but it just feels good for me to let it all out. Thanks!

Ryan
Last edited by RHD99 on 4th December, 2017, 11:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Am I gay?

Unread postby wolbre04 » 4th December, 2017, 10:35 pm

Ryan, I think that you are in a really good position. Something I might have missed or you may not have addressed, but did your friend give any indication that he may be gay? Hopefully you have the chance to develop a really awesome friendship that (eventually) can turn into something more! Based on your first explanation and this update, it definitely sounds like you're gay. If you're like me, I feel that Girls/Women can be beautiful or pretty, but I'm not sexually attracted to them in any way, so that may be a similar situation with you. But it really sounds like you may be gay! Have a great day and let us know of any important updates, questions, or if you have more to elaborate on! ^ ^
Feel free to join the discord sometime and chat with us.
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Re: Am I gay?

Unread postby RHD99 » 4th December, 2017, 11:00 pm

Thanks, yeah I know I didn't go over that much. Like I said, I don't know really anything about him. I only had one interaction with him and while I'm hoping the reason that he did decide to talk to me is that, I unfortunately have a feeling that's not the case. Based on my profile stalking it doesn't seem that he is in any sort of relationship, or ever was for that matter which is hopeful; although I really have no idea. Just today I was looking at some of his followers and I found someone that he seems to be quite friendly with that happens to be openly gay. Of course like I mentioned before I have no idea, and regardless even if he's not I still wouldn't mind getting to know him :P

I am almost 99% positive I am gay, and I feel the same way about women. I find them attractive, but not in any sort of sexual way. I do however have feelings for this particular person and for a few others so I guess its pretty easy to say that I am. I appreciate your feedback though, I'll definitely try to keep posting what's going on, I don't feel as alone by posting all this stuff, and it's really helped me stay confident and aware!
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Re: Am I gay?

Unread postby wolbre04 » 5th December, 2017, 12:14 am

As easy for it is for me to say be confident and direct, sometimes taking that first step is incredibly tough. Don't feel as if you have to step outside your comfort zone if you don't want to, sometimes it's better to take it slow and do a thorough job than it is to rush through and make a potentially crucial error. Otherwise, do what you feel is right :keke:
I would be more than happy to discuss this with you further if you would like, whether via voice or pm.
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Re: Am I gay?

Unread postby RHD99 » 5th December, 2017, 3:00 pm

I know, I gotta just take it slow and that's what I've been doing. I'm pretty confident that this can work out as long as I don't get carried away or do something stupid and impulsive. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and this can all work out!
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Re: What do I do?

Unread postby RHD99 » 9th December, 2017, 5:24 pm

Alright so here is a bit of an update, quite a bit has happened...

Yesterday I got home and I just was so tired of waiting and I made my move. I originally was going to wait until winter break in the event that something went wrong and it would just give some time away from school for it to be forgotten but at this point I didn't really care. To start I got a good profile pic and proceeded to message him on Instagram. I was like "Hey I found you in my suggested and I could've sworn that we've spoke before". After that it was the waiting game, and I gotta say it was incredibly painful to just sit around for an answer.

After 24 hours (This morning) I was starting to get a bit worried, it didn't show that he saw the message so I asked a friend and he suggested trying his snapchat. I did a little research and I guess some people don't have notifications for pm's, and especially since he wasn't following me there wasn't much of a chance he would see it anytime soon. I finally went out and added him on snap, which was quickly accepted! I then started by saying "Hey what's up" and from there we just talked for a little while. I then brought up our encounter, which by now was a few months ago and unfortunately, he didn't remember it :( We exchanged face pics and he didn't seem to recognize me which was disappointing. His responses took awhile, and were brief. I guess it could've just been bad timing, although I don't think he likes me to be honest. I tried to keep the conversation going but he didn't ask any questions, and some of mine went unanswered. The last interaction we had was where I asked him a question, and his answer was "Yeah, I gtg".

Hopefully its all just a matter of bad timing, but I'm pretty convinced that this is a dead end. I'm most concerned about seeing him in person now that we had an awkward conversation, and he knows what I look like. At this rate I don't want to be annoying and keep trying to be friends with someone that doesn't want to be friends, although its really hard to give up something that I've been focused on for so long. I'm going to keep trying to message him and hopefully we have some stuff in common to talk about.
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