Muslim Teen who is at a crossroads

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Muslim Teen who is at a crossroads

Unread postby Legolas » 2nd August, 2017, 8:23 pm

Hey guys, I've come onto this forum because I'm really struggling to express myself and seek advice.
I'm an 18 yr old Muslim boy living in London from a strongly practising family. Growing up, even the slightest mention of homosexuality would draw disgust from my parents and older brothers, who basically look at gay and trans people as an amoral pack of degenerates. Having, been raised with similar beliefs, I also viewed anything LGBT related as totally sinful and wrong. At the age of 13/14, when my sexual curiosity had started to peak, my gaze was only fixed on girls and I did not feel remotely attracted to boys. However, being the typical teen and watching pornography and masturbating on a semi-regular basis, I started to explore different straight sexual genres until I stumbled onto transsexual porn. As soon as I had watched one video, I was almost stunned by the sight of penises, and since then, I only wanted to watch anything with a penis in it. Even though I still felt attracted to the female body, the sight of vaginas repulsed me whereas penises aroused me immensely. Gradually, as I kept on watching these pornographic videos, my sight became almost solely fixed on men and the male form or androgynous/crossdressing men. This started to leak into my general life, where I felt increasingly more attracted to men and less attracted to women. I also started to feel more 'camp', and I would secretly dress more femininely and felt more sexually submissive, wanting a man to control and dominate me.
I've only come out to one bisexual girl in my class (who im friendly with but no hugely close with) and I know that I would be committing social suicide if my family and friends found out about me and my sexuality.
One problem I have is that my faith is opposed completely to homosexuality. I find it hard to reconcile between my faith and sexuality, especially now where I feel I'm only trying to bend religious rules just because it's convenient for me. Whenever I finish masturbating, almost always thinking about men/transsexuals/drag queens, I feel instant guilt because I know my religion forbids it. To the guys out there of all faiths, how did you manage to reconcile between your faith and sexuality?

Another thing I have on my mind is that I know a lot of my sexual exploration has happened through porn, but a lot of people say that porn is not reliable at all at indicating your sexuality. Even though my attraction to men is increasingly extending out into my day to day life (as opposed to just my porn and masturbation behaviour), Im always getting this nagging doubt in my head telling me that I'm just a straight guy who's almost 'faking' his gayness in order to gain sexual enjoyment. (If this sounds weird to you, I don't blame you, I'm in a strange place right now). Have you guys been through something similar before and do you think Im going through some sort of 'phase' or a genuine discovery of my sexuality? Thanks guys in advance, I'd really appreciate absolutely anything you have to say. Love you all! :heart:
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Re: Muslim Teen who is at a crossroads

Unread postby Dolly » 2nd August, 2017, 9:20 pm

Fortunately, I never had to reconcile my views on religion when I was discovering that I was gay because I was staunchly atheist, but I do have to do so a little bit. Before I start to offer my advice, please do not come out to your parents until you are financially independent. If they are as homophobic as you say, you should not take any risks. As for your conflictions, you are correct in that it is wrong to bend religious rules to fit your own lifestyle. This is quite similar to the other Abrahamic religions. This is where you have to make your own decisions; no person can tell you which you should focus on. My personal view is that you should not hate yourself if you do choose to violate your religious rules, but you should recognize it as sinful (or haram in your case) since there is no excuse around that. Also, I might add that you may find it helpful if you stopped watching porn. I know that sounds ridiculous given that we are both teenage males, but it sounds like a lot of your problems are stemming from the fact that you are emulating what you seeing online.

I am religious now and in my religion, the texts say that it is okay to be gay, however, marriage is strictly between a man and woman and pre-marital sex is forbidden. I choose to pray and seek forgiveness, knowing that it is sinful and against the wishes of God, but that is the best I can do. I hope I have been of some help or that my own experience is useful. :) :thumbsup:
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Re: Muslim Teen who is at a crossroads

Unread postby c70 » 2nd August, 2017, 9:39 pm

Hey, and welcome to the forum :)

Ill answer the big question first. How do I contrast my sexuality and my religion. Let me tell you what I did. I grew up, with a relatively Christian lifestyle. I went to a Christian School for my younger years, and I went to church. When I discovered I was gay, I immediately thought about what God would think of me, and if I would get into heaven or not because of my sexuality. This internal question brought on an incredible emotional battle inside me, and it is probably one of the reasons why I hid my sexuality for as long as I did, partly because I wassent sure, but in part because I didn't want God to hate me. I eventually told myself basically "I'm going to be me and since, I believe God made me this way, then he must want me this way" I am still partially religious. But it is definitely less then when I was growing up. Again, partly because of the pain it brought on me thinking I didn't belong. It definitely takes a toll on your emotional well-being.

I cannot speak for all religions. But, by me, being gay, bi sexual, transgender and in general anything you want to be is 100% okay. You have to remember that religious books were written very far back in time. And a lot of the time, the people writing those books injected the political views in their time with the text they were writing. Again, full disclosure that I know very little of the Muslim faith, but you have to take into consideration the time period it was written in, and the people writing it.

Im not asking you to leave your religion. But you don't have to agree with all of it. Some/A lot of Christianity from the Old Testament in particular is not socially acceptable in society today. What I am asking you to do, is not tear yourself up over the battle between your faith and your sexuality. Even, if it strongly disagrees with homosexuality, you can choose to just not follow those parts. The other option is to leave that religion behind completely. But if you dont want to do either of these, please trust me. It is a long and painful road if you want to hide your true self for your whole life. (It was painful for me for the 3 months I did it.)

Your right in saying that porn is not reliable in determining your sexuality. I find some of the stuff kind of un-realistic.

I know questions about religion can be a touchy subject for some. But this is my advice on your particular situation. I hope it helped PM me if you ever need anything. :) Just remember that you do belong, and that you do matter.
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Re: Muslim Teen who is at a crossroads

Unread postby Adyuto » 4th August, 2017, 12:26 pm

When I was in my early teens I also had some confusion about my sexuality. I grew up in a conservative household where if I came out or even hinted that my sexuality was anything other than straight, I would be disowned or sent to a religious program. As a result of this, any conflict about my life in relation to my sexuality would have to be resolved internally. My first stage in attempting to reconcile my upbringing and my sexuality was to deny even the thought that I was gay/bi .Then I proceeded to completely reject my religion, asking myself how could a loving God punish a being for loving another being simply because they fell in love with another person of the same sex. I then began to explore different denominations of my religion to see how different denominations dealt with this issue, this would allow me to both retain my religion and accept my sexuality (this was probably the most helpful step). Lastly, I came to the knowledge that the central theme that unites all of the major religions of the world is the command to good, whether that be onto those closest to you or to the whole world. It's that tenet which allows me to still consider myself religious in spite of my sexuality. This is just my path to reconciliation, obviously yours may be different. I also can't stress enough, the importance of making this a private battle given your familial circumstances. At the very most, only discuss it with someone who you are sure can keep any information you disclose to them confidential.

That being said, I agree that it might be helpful to hold off on the pornography a bit, only to allow yourself to discover your true sexuality, and to avoid the stress it brings you.

I hope that your journey to reconciliation is an easy one, welcome to the forum!
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