Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Discuss sexuality, whether your own or someone else's.

Would you consent to being in an open relationship?

Yes
3
14%
Perhaps
9
41%
No
10
45%
Other
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 22

Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby AlexSnow » 16th March, 2017, 4:54 pm

An open relationship is considered, in this case, as a loving relationship between two people, where both parties are aware of the fact that the relationship is open, i.e., one or both people in the relationship are allowed to have sex with other people.
If none of the options are adequate, select 'other' and reply with a written answer.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 16th March, 2017, 5:54 pm

Doesn't work long term, ever.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Pity » 16th March, 2017, 7:30 pm

I would never, ever be okay with being in an open relation. Too much risk for STDs and falling out of love.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Calcifer » 16th March, 2017, 7:57 pm

Yes, it makes perfect sense for some couples. For example, LDRs work nicely with open relationships. Or two people with different sex drives. Or people who just enjoy variety. Any of that stuff leads to a conducive open relationship.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Vortex » 16th March, 2017, 8:54 pm

Not wanting an open relationship is one thing, but people who attack others for being in one are fucktrumpets. Just because you're dying alone and can't even get dick doesn't mean you have to get super jelly that other people can.

Ω wrote:Doesn't work long term, ever.

Citation please. I know these two guys who have been in an open relationship for...

15 years? 16?

Edit: the more I think about it, I can't think of ANY couples I know irl who have been together for 5+ years who AREN'T in an open relationship...
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Mawd » 16th March, 2017, 9:58 pm

Yes it can work as long as everyone's on the same page and mature about it.
It requires more maintenance than a regular relationship because you're managing the needs of more than one other person (something that is hard enough for some). You have to be prepared for a lot of communication around how people are feeling and you have to openly discuss problems and resolutions more.


Ω wrote:Doesn't work long term, ever.


Said by someone with a lot of experience in these matters.

Also biased to the idea that successful relationships can't be short term but that's a whole nother can of worms and I'm only bothering to address one set of taught conservative social values today.

Vortex is right in that many older couples can end up in non-monogamous relationships, they're generally more mature and better experienced/equipped to handle any issues that arise.
There's a middle aged hetero couple in another forum who over the past few years decided to open their relationship up after discussions about the wife's bisexuality. They've actually had an amazing time figuring things out and forming more intimate connections with people. They can even be separately involved in sexual relations that are exclusive to one person in their marriage.
Why? Because they understand the benefit of doing things that make each other happier and more satisfied in life, plus they're forming more deep connections with people even if they aren't sexually available to both in the relationship.

Game critic Jim Sterling is in a very visble long term active, queer polyamorous relationship with his wife. Has continued to be for all 7 years I've been aware of him.

--------

For my own relationship with Ben, going on 5 years, we're open to the idea in terms of being sexually open rather than emotionally open. However we both think that we should find the other person attractive for both of us and the sexytimes should work for both of us.
I can imagine that there might be someone we both fall in love with one day but at this point its just speculation.
To date we haven't found many people we'd include but these days we're lazy people who don't travel far so go figure.
There are definitely some good friends from uni that one or both of us came pretty close to fucking and we'd be ok with either situation.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 1:33 am

Oh I forgot the days of being satisfied with your significant other are gone.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Mawd » 17th March, 2017, 1:37 am

Really now? :rolleyes:

Yeah feel free to comment like that because you can't imagine anything outside that box.

You're going to assume people that do that aren't satisfied with their lovers? Are you really this much of a tool?

More importantly you're going to assume that I don't? You don't know anything about me or Ben so you can get fucked if you're going to carry on talking absolute bullshit like that.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 2:19 am

If someone is happy and satisfied with their partner they would not seek another partner.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Mawd » 17th March, 2017, 3:32 am

Relationships, platonic or otherwise meet needs. No single person meets every need. Some people are comfortable having a few close relationships, others prefer many relationships. It's not very different for love.

It's like basically anything that involves choice. Choosing one over the other doesn't mean you aren't satisfied with either. It's because that one suits a context better than another.

Take this real life example, a bisexual woman is in a decades long relationship with a man, they have children together. She discovers another side of her sexuality that has remained dormant for many years and wishes to explore it. Together they talk about her exploring her sexuality and the husband encourages her to discover herself. Obviously some of the people she meets are going to be pure lesbians but they both agree that's ok, for them it would be cruel for her to never fully realise this side of herself, besides, their relationship, while sexually active, is not based upon exclusivity, they share a deep bond with each other and they're both mature enough to realise that sticking your bits into other people isn't going to ruin that.

Now if you can't understand that then perhaps I have to use dumb examples.
How about: if I want to eat pizza one night and pasta the other night, the reason I do that isn't because I hate pizza, it's because I simply prefer it on some nights and not on others. Luckily I can trust the pizza to be understanding.

How about: Two people get together and fall in love, one person is really adventurous and other is indoorsy. The Adventurous person wants to go out for a hiking adventure but knows it'd be cruel to make their partner come with them when they know they'll not have a good time. So the outdoorsy person finds another friend to go out hiking and everyone is allowed to enjoy themselves in the best way possible.

Open relationships work when based upon love and mutual understanding, and the important thing to remember is that they can be based upon those values. If you can't understand that then you aren't experienced enough to comment that it never works at all.

Anyway if you want to disagree, find an argument, don't take cheap shots about people you don't know and a thing you don't understand, especially if it comes to commenting personally about my relationship with the guy I've loved and lived with for just over half a decade.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 6:29 am

Your examples are far fetched and not representative of the norm when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Not once have I addressed you or your relationship specifically the fact that you have assumed I did worries me, do I need to put a disclaimer before ever general statement I make? saying that it is not directed at Mawd and please do not be offended/triggered.

Now to actually comment on your relationship you noted that you have come close but not actually gone through with having sex with another partner why is this the case? Surely some nights you don't feel like pasta, surely there are other attractive men around you but you haven't gone through with it, could it be that you respect your partner enough and are conpletely satisfied in and by him and this is why you have not?
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby KrisCross » 17th March, 2017, 6:58 am

Ω wrote:If someone is happy and satisfied with their partner they would not seek another partner.

You're projecting your own truths on other people Ethan. Maybe that's the case for you, but not everyone works the same way. Why is it so hard to believe that relationships like these can work, even though they might not for you?

OT: Personally, I think could see myself in one, sex has always been something separate from love to me.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 7:14 am

Mawd wrote:they share a deep bond with each other and they're both mature enough to realise that sticking your bits into other people isn't going to ruin that

Sex is considered to be one of the most intimate aspects of a relationship, if you are willing to share that with people other than your partner than surely there's a possibility for you to share a deep bond with other people as well, or is that exclusive? This is the problem with open relationships not the fact that people are having sex with other partners, its the fact that it opens the doors to developing another possibly loving relationship with someone other than your partner. Who regulates what feelings each person develops? I'm pretty sure we can't even control our own feelings. I know you're going to say that's where trust comes into it, well unfortunately we're human and humans have proven themselves constantly to be untrustworthy. There is a reason why the majority of people in the world seek a monogamous relationship and why open relationships tend to fail even more so in the long run.

Now a commonly used argument for non-monogamous relationships would be that its in our nature to seek as many sexual partners as possible, we see this in the animal world all the time and that's why so many people cheat etc. However there is a very simple selection criteria most animals will use "who is the fittest partner?" or intersexual selection. So by this way of thinking it can be implied that the other sexual partner is more "fit or suitable" than the current partner. This would be a clear issue in any relationship.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 7:20 am

KrisCross wrote:
Ω wrote:If someone is happy and satisfied with their partner they would not seek another partner.

You're projecting your own truths on other people Ethan. Maybe that's the case for you, but not everyone works the same way. Why is it so hard to believe that relationships like these can work, even though they might not for you?

OT: Personally, I think could see myself in one, sex has always been something separate from love to me.

I'm not saying they can't work, maybe in the short term but I specifically mention long term and the truth is there isn't many examples of open relationships that have truly lasted. The poster asked for my opinion and I gave it, if you or anyone else doesn't want to see it I recommend you close your eyes. =P
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Pity » 17th March, 2017, 8:31 am

I'd cut his dick off if he suggested an open relationship.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Mawd » 17th March, 2017, 9:11 am

Ω wrote:Not once have I addressed you or your relationship specifically the fact that you have assumed I did worries me,


Sure you didn't. You don't think given this context of me drawing on examples from myself and other people this statement can't be read as a swipe?

Ω wrote:Oh I forgot the days of being satisfied with your significant other are gone.


I'll get back to the rest later when I have time.

Ω wrote:Now to actually comment on your relationship you noted that you have come close but not actually gone through with having sex with another partner why is this the case? Surely some nights you don't feel like pasta, surely there are other attractive men around you but you haven't gone through with it, could it be that you respect your partner enough and are conpletely satisfied in and by him and this is why you have not?


We haven't found anyone that we'd really want to. I'll just be repeating myself as I've pretty much said why but a) we both want to find them hot, b) they have to be cool people, c) the people we knew back in the day live in different cities now and are in relationships as well. Consent becomes a hairier issue especially when dealing with other bi friends in hetero relationships so it's pretty much just theoretical with them.
I've already spoken how we conduct an open relationship, it comes down to communication with us. We point out people we'd like to fuck but obviously it's a little more complicated than walking down to the hottie store and making a purchase. Has to be the right guy for both of us. Anyway it's about desire as much as satisfaction. We enjoy our setup, we also like the idea of fucking other people. Doesn't diminish what we feel for each other at all and it doesn't mean we're not happy with each other either.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Ω » 17th March, 2017, 9:20 am

Mawd wrote:
Ω wrote:Not once have I addressed you or your relationship specifically the fact that you have assumed I did worries me,


Sure you didn't. You don't think given this context of me drawing on examples from myself and other people this statement can't be read as a swipe?

Ω wrote:Oh I forgot the days of being satisfied with your significant other are gone.


I'll get back to the rest later when I have time.

I genuinely meant your as in a general context, I think everyone here knows if i want to have a go at someone I'm not afraid to address them personally, I don't believe in ambiguity when it comes to this sort of stuff.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Mawd » 17th March, 2017, 9:53 am

It doesn't sound ambiguous, it sounds all inclusive. It sounds like an upfront statement.

Anyway the examples I'm using are not far fetched, they exist, and they are in fact the norm for many non-monogamous open relationship communities. The problem is you don't know many of them; like KrissCross said you're combining your opinions, your pessimism, and your limited experience to make blanket statements about communities you don't know that well.

You're doing it here again.

Ω wrote:Sex is considered to be one of the most intimate aspects of a relationship, if you are willing to share that with people other than your partner than surely there's a possibility for you to share a deep bond with other people as well, or is that exclusive?


Sex is the most intimate aspect for Some people. Other people find sex to be an ordinary activity and instead treat emotional engagement/sharing with someone else as the most intimate experience. Other people still don't care about sex in their relationships at all as shown by the many asexual or simply platonic relationships around. The bond you feel between a person is unique to that person. Everyone has a different type and depth to their bonds with people. All relationships change over time. People simply find it easier to pretend that they do not. It's a risk when pursuing anyone you love, the important thing is how you respond and deal with it. The best way is to openly communicate your feelings and work with your partner.

Ω wrote:This is the problem with open relationships not the fact that people are having sex with other partners, its the fact that it opens the doors to developing another possibly loving relationship with someone other than your partner.


Everyone faces choice, the important thing is how you face that choice. The ideal way when dealing with someone else's feelings is to communicate openly about them. Clearly very similar doors open for monogamous people as well.

Ω wrote:Who regulates what feelings each person develops? I'm pretty sure we can't even control our own feelings.


Anyone can learn control and how to respond to their feelings, that's an essential part of maturing and growing up. It's why people are more tolerant at a rage tantrum from an infant than an adult. Someone might not have control over how angry or sad or in love they feel but they certainly have control over how they react to those emotions, or more specifically when talking about self serving people, what they give themselves permission to do. A completely self serving person will give themselves permission to do something because they are their highest authority. Someone who respects their partner will come to a decision with their input.

Again literally everyone in a relationship eventually deals with feelings about someone else than the person that they are with.

Ω wrote:I know you're going to say that's where trust comes into it, well unfortunately we're human and humans have proven themselves constantly to be untrustworthy. There is a reason why the majority of people in the world seek a monogamous relationship and why open relationships tend to fail even more so in the long run.


No. I think that's where responsibility comes into it. Being in a relationship means you have a responsibility to your partner and should not put them in a position that makes them uncomfortable for selfish reasons. Again talking about humans proving themselves to be untrustworthy is reaching into personal bias/pessimism territory.
People find monogamous relationships more comfortable because many people can barely run one relationship. The statistics of marriages in Australia for 2015 said that the median length of a marriage was around 12 years which lines up with the data that most people getting married are in their late twenties/early thirties and most divorcees are in their early 40s, 20% of all people getting married then had been married before, 47% of divorces involved children. So I'd say that monogomous relationships find their own ways to fail often enough. Probably because they can't deal with/stopped liking each other or are busy fucking other people.
People have to consciously enter open relationships with their eyes open, there might be some people who do it for the wrong reasons or have the wrong idea about the whole thing but plenty enough people 'get it' as well. Open relationships are more work than closed relationships but that doesn't mean there aren't people equipped to have them.

Ω wrote:Now a commonly used argument for non-monogamous relationships would be that its in our nature to seek as many sexual partners as possible, we see this in the animal world all the time and that's why so many people cheat etc. However there is a very simple selection criteria most animals will use "who is the fittest partner?" or intersexual selection. So by this way of thinking it can be implied that the other sexual partner is more "fit or suitable" than the current partner. This would be a clear issue in any relationship.


What? Has anyone here said that? Are you talking with us or are you simply having an argument with someone inside your head. It sounds like you're talking with some guy using pseudoscience to justify selfish actions. it sounds like someone who hasn't shown up in this thread and they have a bullshit reason to make up for a shit understanding.
It sounds like a straw man. Sounds like some basic alphabro talking about the law of the jungle brah.

This thread is not the thread to discuss animal reproductive strategies but believe me they are far more varied in dealing with procreation than "who is the fittest partner?".
People cheat because they have issues with self control, acknowledging their conscience, trust, respect, betrayal, all sorts of reasons really but they mostly boil down to the responsibility they should be feeling for their partner's well being and how they decide to selfishly give themselves permission to make a self serving decision.

Some people sexually and emotionally are 'a sometimes food' other people are nourishing. Some people will find that the nourishment is enough for them, others would prefer to enrich their palate with other experiences.

Some couples don't meet each other's every sexual desire and see no reason why a few of those shouldn't or couldn't be met by other people as long as they both respect each other's feelings
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby KrisCross » 17th March, 2017, 10:02 am

Ω wrote:
KrisCross wrote:You're projecting your own truths on other people Ethan. Maybe that's the case for you, but not everyone works the same way. Why is it so hard to believe that relationships like these can work, even though they might not for you?

OT: Personally, I think could see myself in one, sex has always been something separate from love to me.

I'm not saying they can't work, maybe in the short term but I specifically mention long term and the truth is there isn't many examples of open relationships that have truly lasted. The poster asked for my opinion and I gave it, if you or anyone else doesn't want to see it I recommend you close your eyes. =P

There are actually plenty of examples of long lasting open gay relationships these days. Blatantly saying that people in open relationships are not happy or satisfied with eachother goes a bit further than sharing an opinion imo.

I always thought of it as very strongly tied to self-confidence and confidence in the relationship. Sex and love are two different things to me and I see no reason to doubt myself or the love my partner has for me if he'd want to do things with another guy. I mean, the way people look down on open relationships seems a bit hypocritical when you consider that over 60% of men cheat at one point in their life.
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Re: Open Relationship: OK or Not OK?

Unread postby Calcifer » 17th March, 2017, 2:58 pm

Mawd wrote:Luckily I can trust the pizza to be understanding.



This might be my favourite thing I've heard on the forum all year.
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